Yep, right now this is the hardest thing I've had to admit on this blog, to my team mates and to Miche. You've seen photos of my fat booty, and the confessions of a chocolate binge. But, right now there's nothing that I feel more embarrassed or guilty about than admitting to my fellow 12WBT'rs and Miche that I am a dirty rotten fagger.
Can I hear the gasping? the shock, the look of filth on you face? Have you turned your nose up at me? Well I don't know if you have, but it seems that now that is exactly what I'm doing to myself. I'm disgusted. And I want nothing more right now than to be a non-smoker.
I have tried, unsuccessfully, to quit before but I guess I really never had such an incentive. Sure, I know the health risks. I'm not stupid. But I was about 15 years ago when I thought it was cool and I was young and impressionable. Now, things are different. During my first round of 12WBT it was all about loosing weight. For that reason, the increase in physical activity was not yet enough to make me consider giving up. I did not feel that it was holding me back enough and I also feared that if I did try, my dirty habit would be replaced by increased eating and snacking. It would be just too much to think about at once.
In this round of 12WBT however, my focus is on fitness. How on earth can a dirty smoker truly become fit? For the first time in my life I feel the effects of smoking. I feel it is holding me back. When running, I can't quite get that full breath of air when I need it. I gasp, followed by three sharp gasps to really get the air that I need. It's awful and I hate it. I really noticed it last Thursday night when the girls and I went off to do some hill sprints up Anderson street of the Tan. The idea is to sprint up the hill for 2 mins and then have a 3 min recovery. I zipped up that hill, no problem with speed and power, no pain in the legs BUT I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I could only go 1.5mins and then I had to stop because I really couldn't breath. It's disgusting! and right now, as I recall all this, it's also really upsetting.
So what am I going to do about it? I've tried patches, lozenges, cold turkey, I even tried reading that freaking book. FAIL. But at 10:30am today I am off to get hypnotised. Am I taking the easy way out? I don't give a crap. Will it even work? I don't know. But I know deep down I don't want to be a smoker.
I'm getting help and I'm scared sh*tless. I have been referred to this Doctor by people who have had success. I have no idea what to expect and my head feels like it's going to explode as I question how I am going to feel once it is over. I hope to god I don't feel like another cigarette and I hope I don't turn into a crazy moody biatch as I have on previous occasions when I have tried to quit.
I'm scared to make this post active before the session occurs. But my promise to you all at the beginning is that I'd be completely honest and open with you throughout this journey. This is part of my 12WBT journey. A very important part. It's about changing your life and becoming the best possible version of yourself. Taking this step means that I can be that person - fully. I also want to inspire others that may be in the same position as me - Held back by a dirty rotten habit that fails to offer any benefit to our lives, that we achieve nothing from, yet we continue to succumb to.
So I post. But will be back with an update later. Please don't think differently of me. I am trying, I'm embarrassed (I feel like I'm telling my mum for the first time).
No comments:
Post a Comment